Eat Your Heart Out, Judge Judy

J and I are moving to our first first apartment this weekend. We don't like to talk about our real first apartment. It made camping look like a luxury. There was...

mold in the refrigerator, cockroaches in the bathroom, ants in the living room, brush-painted tub and toilet seat, not-up-to-code smoke detector (that didn't even work), water that only got warm not hot, and pot heads. The landlord looked in the window, listened at the door, and protected the sex offender downstairs.

And all before we were there one week.

Needless to say, we broke lease, much to the indignation of the landlord. He proceeded to tell me he would keep my rent and security deposit and sue me for more. The letter stating we would break lease was crumpled up and thrown at us. And upon handing over the keys, we were dismissed with the finger. Which was caught on camera, thanks to our friend M.

21 days later, we have only received $25 of our security deposit and none of the remaining rent from August. Therefore, we are going to court. Many have suggested Judge Judy.

After being away for almost a month, I ran into the landlord the other day....in a dream. He was being arrested. I found out he had also been fired.

Primate Poles

me: There's a motorcycle behind us. It's got those monkey bars.

J: Monkey bars? You mean ape hangers.

me: Same difference. You knew what I was talking about.

J: Monkeys bars are on the playground. Those are ape hangers.


For those of you that are like me and new to the biker world, here is a visual:

Makes my arms tired just looking at it.

Not to be confused with:

Monkeyin' around

If I Can't Have a Kitty, At Least Give Me Sparkles

Meet Mr. Occlusal Guard.

Yo.

I brought him home yesterday. He is supposed to help keep me from grinding my teeth at night. He better do more than that at $207 (after insurance). For that price, I could have adopted two kittens from the Humane Society. Which is better? Two soft, cuddly things that keep you company and love you.....or a hunk of plastic? And it's pretty boring too. Not cute or unique like a kitty. Afterwards, I thought I should have asked if they could make it a different color or sparkly. Like the retainers I had when I was a kid. My top retainer was hot pink and glowed in the dark. The bottom one was clear with multicolored sparkles. Not to mention my stellar headgear.

Even with the headgear, I think I was cuter back in the day.

Being the dork that I was, I even wore this to school. I colored-coordinated the bands to my outfits. And clipped my barrette to the headpiece. (Sure didn't care about what people thought about me back then. Where did my self-confidence go?) So mister, you better step up to the plate. You have big shoes to fill. Otherwise, I'm going to exchange you for a kitty.

Things That Make Me.... LLOL

Yes, llol. Literally laugh out loud. Like if you were standing next to me, you would actually hear me. Or not. Sometimes I laugh so hard that no sound comes out and my eyes start to water. The laugh that comes from deep down and gives you an ab workout. That's the best kind of laughter. And these are the things that make me do that:

videos
Jumping Dog Fail
Stalking Cat
Shark Attack

blog posts
This is Why I'll Never be an Adult (Hyperbole and a Half)
And that's why you should learn to pick your battles. (The Bloggess)

So Comical...

This video never fails to make me laugh.

via i has a hotdog